I've been having these dreams. The type of dream where you wake up, glad that it wasn't real. Happy that you can start your day and forget all about that horribleness (is that a word?) that stalked you in the night.
Pregnancy is the culprit. As friends divulge their current "preggie" status, I'm secretly happy that my body isn't changing anytime soon. I like the fact that I'm not pregnant, and not trying to be. But there's always that deep down fear that, unknowingly, I COULD be.
It's all my first pregnancy's fault. How dare I get pregnant on birth control? Aliza was a scary and wonderful surprise to us all. But I haven't been able to trust my body again. And I keep extra preggie tests under my sink, just in case I'm fearing the worst.
And it doesn't help that I can still remember trying to feed a baby who couldn't or wouldn't feed, having a horrible fever and trying to nurse, the lack of sleep, my fat body and huge chest, pregnancy backaches, and the miles I've ran to drop the weight. Etc. etc.
Yes. I'm ranting. But only because I am DEFINITELY not ready to have another one. I don't even know if I want a baby #4, EVER. Steve and I always thought we'd have four kids. We dreamt of our perfect number and how we'd fit around the table perfectly. But I distinctly remember every day of Gavin's first year and how I would tell Steve we were done.
Time is slowly numbing those hard parts, and maybe I'll change my mind. But don't keep any fingers crossed.
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4 comments:
Kurt & I think 3 is a good number too...and we're planning on #3 joining us a couple years down the road. Hopefully Heavenly Father agrees with us!
I can totally relate. I wish I was done having kids. It's hard to think about getting pregnant again, sacrificing my body to the weight gain and no sleep. I figure I better get it done and over with though. Let's keep going to the gym no matter what!!
I think that three kids was the hardest for me and definitely had me thinking we were done for a while...hence the larger split between kids #3 and #4. Having the fourth wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It is just busier. Now that the older ones are able to help out more and aren't as dependant on me is a huge help. Keep thinking on itand praying about it. You guys are great parents, I think you could handle more!!
I know all about those dreams. And fortunately the nightmares from Katelyn subsided enough for me to even want a #3. Hence there will be 3 years between them rather than 2.
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